Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Just You Wait....You'll See! You'll ALL See!

It's inevitable. It will happen one day and then you will know. You will find yourself with three small creatures that you created by your own free will and choice. These creatures will start out tiny and helpless and cute. This is their way of tricking you. You will feed them. They will get bigger. And then the creatures will begin to argue with you. They will talk back. They will demand things. They will draw with sharpie on your favorite living room chair. You will make threats. They will throw their heads back in laughter at your threats. You will do something you promised the universe you would never do. You will say things your mother used to say. These phrases might include: "You are suffering the consequences of your own actions" and "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!" They will jump on you and pull your hair in response. They will tell people at church that you didn't answer the door when the doorbell rang yesterday because you were naked. They will scream at the grocery store at the top of their lungs "Help! This is not my mommy!" There will be many more antics, but I will not go into that now because I wouldn't want to depress or frighten you.

One day you will walk through your once quiet and calm home. There will be globs of toothpaste on the bathroom counter. There will be red crayon on the walls of your hallway. There will be clothes that were freshly folded only two hours before scattered all over the laundry room floor and the basket they were in will have turned into a "boat" somewhere else in the house. There will be dried juice on the kitchen floor that makes your shoes stick. There will be tiny hair bows of every shape and size tucked in the sofa crevices. There will be a Dora doll wearing your husbands garment top and your $80 glasses sitting on the sharpie chair mocking you with her permanent smile. And then you will make your way to the creatures' head quarters where you may or may not still be able to see a bed. You will wander into the creature's lair, but this is a mistake because you will step on a tiny black Lego that with jab so far into the bottom of your foot that it pierces your sole. You will want to scream naughty words at the top of your lungs but you will stifle your scream because of all the "little ears" that are surely lurking nearby. Instead you will bite your fist and squeak out a small cry. It is a cry for help but no one will hear you. At this point you will turn around and see your husband standing in the doorway. He will have a look of despair and confusion on his face that mirrors yours. You will stand side by side taking it in in total silence (aside from the screaming and complete chaos taking place in the living room as the creatures dance to the music of "The Wiggles" who you vow to strangle should you ever meet in person). You will look into each others eyes and there will be no need for words. Your minds will communicate with one other. First his brain will say, "What have we done?" and then yours will say, "I don't know, but it's too late now." and then his brain will say, "It's never too late! I've heard of gypsies who come through town and buy children. It's worth looking into." Suddenly a wave of motivation mixed with the devil's rage will surge through both your veins and you will summon the creatures in your most intimidating voice. You will stand in the doorway with your hands on your hips and shout out commands pointing wildly at the mess. The creatures will put up a fight. There will be stomping of feet and gnashing of teeth. The air will be thick with defiance, but this is a fight you MUST win. They will sulk in the tub after losing "The Cleaning of the Room Battle of '09". They will pout begrudgingly as you scrub them clean of all the filth. You will silently attempt to scrub off some of the naughtiness in the process. This attempt will be in vain. You will help the creatures say their prayers by having them say things like, "Please help us to be gentle and loving and to obey mommy and daddy." This attempt will also be in vain. The creatures will eventually fall asleep but not before goofing around for half an hour, falling off the bed, and demanding a Hello Kitty band aid be applied to a patch of perfectly healthy skin. You and your husband will collapse on the sofa. You will lay there limp and expressionless for an hour. And then the unexplainable will happen. It always does. You will actually begin to MISS the creatures! Why would you do it? So you will stealthfully sneak into each one of their freshly tidied bedrooms and hover over their beds. You will watch the newly bathed peaceful creatures as they sleep. You will say words like "angels" and "sweet". You will ooh and aah and pat one another on the back at your perfect little masterpieces. Then the little fat one will stir, threatening to awaken and you will tear out of there so fast your head will spin. Your heart will be pounding with fear and terror. This serves you right.

I wish you all the best of luck with this very special and obnoxious rite of passage. Later you can ask me who stole my brain straight out of my head when the decision is inevitably made to expand the creatures' numbers to four.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A Few Words...

Words I hate or think are really ugly:
1. Vagabond (can't even bring myself to say it out loud)
2. Levy
3. Shalom
4. Beefy
5. Fiance
6. Scabby
7. Ma-lady, ma-lord or "ma" anything
8. Pianist (too close to the other hideously ugly word for my liking. You know the one. Speaking of, that brings me to number nine...)
9. Scrotum
10. Rot (ew, put nine and ten together and they become fifty times worse)

Words that I think are funny:
1. Bounty
2. Bamboozled
3. Bejeweled (really "be" anything. Bedazzled, befuddled, etc)
3. Hazzah!
4. Stallion
5. Gaggle (as in of geese)
6. Rascal (ESPECIALLY when referring to the motorized wheelchair. And on that note, I present to you number seven)
7. Hoveround
8. Hubbub
9. Shindig
10. Rumpled

Words I like:
1. Peppered
2. Fabulous
3. Pink
4. Aroma
5. Blossom
6. Dapple Grey (two words, I know get off my back)
7. Willow
8. Simple
9. Papaya
10. Birthday

And that's what I think. Agree? Disagree? Are any of my words your words too? Let's have a listen to your thoughts. What are some of your words? Come on. I'm dying to hear all about it.

p.s. Sorry about the scrotum rot. I hope I didn't make anyone nauseous.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

More dialogue to ponder...

A conversation I recently had with Henry:

Me: Henry, do you have to go potty?

Henry: No

Me: Then why are you holding your penis?

Henry: I don't know.

Me: Well please stop.

Henry: Stop what?

Me: Stop holding your penis!!

Henry: But I like him!

That's right. "Him". The penis is its own being now. It's been assigned a gender. At least its the correct gender I suppose.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dialogue of the day

From Pinocchio:

Pinocchio: Father, what are you crying for?

Geppetto: Because... you're dead, Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: No! No, I'm not.

Geppetto: Yes. Yes, you are. Now, lie down son...

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A Very Merry Unbirthday Indeed...

...or BIRTHDAY as the case may be.

We recently received this invitation

So we decked ourselves and the children in the "maddest" and most splendid attire we could find

Soon we found ourselves here

Where we found Alice

A few of them actually

But this one was the birthday girl

The Mad Hatter made a maniacal appearance

And Grey Grey too

There was even a live birthday candle

And a Mexican man who wandered over to our gathering. My friend Liz said that when complimented on his fine mustache, the Mexican man replied: "They're not mustaches, they're caterpillars. I pulled them off a man's butt." Who would have thought?

And this lion kept vomiting pink liquid into our tea cups.

It was all very curious

Curiouser and curiouser

Later the children gathered momerats

Then we sang "A Very Merry Unbirthday" to Alice

Then the littlest and the maddest of them all past out cold from all the excitement

"After this I should think nothing of falling downstairs!"

Happy Birthday Alice!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Sniffle Sniffle...

My baby is off to Joy School! Has it come to this so soon? Already? REALLY??

We can't afford preschool AND dance so I roped a bunch of moms in the ward into doing a joy school with me. I'll let you know how THAT goes.

As I was getting Maggie ready for her first day of school I told her she needed to be obedient and obey what the teacher tells her to do. She nonchalantly agreed to do so. I asked her what it meant to obey and she said the following:

"Okay so obey is like when you have a dog and you got to be really nice to him and give him treats and then you ASK your mom if you can put makeup on him and she says 'okay' so you put some make up on the dog and maybe a dress and Mommy can we get a dog?"

I guess I need to work on basic principals with my children. I'm nervous to hear what she would say if I asked her to define honesty.

Maggie and cousin Mila off to joy school

Unenthusiastic thumbs up

The backpack

The whole class on their first day. Wish us "teachers" good luck!

I couldn't resist posting pictures of the second day of school too.

Sassy, obedient girl

My favorite part about the fall. Knee highs and Mary Janes.

Luckily for all of dog-kind I am allergic. I would hate to expose any living creature to all the "obedience" they would experience here at the McDowell home...