Monday, March 7, 2011

May I vent for a moment?

There are so so many things which are far more important than what I am about to discuss but I just have to vent. I know I am virtually alone in the following opinions so please, take no offense.

I'll tell you what I can't handle. Action movies based in medieval times. Thank the heavens above that I was not born in medieval times because I think I would have to shoot myself - or stab myself with an arrow as it were. I refuse to sit through one more movie where everyone is covered in filth to the point where you can barely recognize one face from the next. The clothes look heavy and damp and disgusting and they are all saying crap like "Milady, I beseech you" and "If thou wilt, Milord" and "Fair maiden, I would that thou would see me rightly". It always looks soooo dark and soooo cold. And everyone is being sliced with swords and stabbed with arrows and then there is a bunch of blood mixed with all the filth and I just want to vomit all over myself. I'm over it. I'm sorry, but The Lord of the Rings falls in this category for me. I know, dare I say it? Blasphemy. But I am not a "Lord of the Rings" type of gal. I sat through all three of the LOTR movies in the theater as a Christmas present to my husband. After each one finished all I could think of was that my butt was asleep and I wanted to go home immediately and soak in a hot shower for three hours on behalf of all the filthy people I just witnessed. Nine hours of my life I'll never get back. That's what I think of LOTR. And Brave Heart and Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and Gladiator and Troy and A Knight's Tale etc, etc, etc. Hey, why don't they re-make Robin Hood one more time because we haven't run THAT story into the ground nearly enough yet. And are you kidding me with all the kissing and sex in these movies? I'd like to know what could be more disgusting than the thought of peeling off all of those disgusting layers of dark, sweaty, dingy clothes and chain maille to have sex. I can practically smell the bad breath and body odor from my seat. Vile. And they are always waaaay overly rough and ravenous in their love making - grabbing at each others faces and crap. No. No to that. Then there are the fight scenes which each feel like they last fifteen hours. And every last one of those kinds of movies have about thirty fight scenes where they are fighting in the mud and the rain and the filthy filth. I would rather poke out my own eyes than have to see Russelle Crow raising a sword in slow motion screaming and spraying sweat all over the place with some passionate music playing in the background one more time. I'm all done with that. I've tried to enjoy these types of films. I really have, but I have to call a spade a spade at this point. I'm just not down with any of it. Go take a bath and cut your nasty hair and turn the freaking lights on and we'll talk.