Monday, May 19, 2014

No Really, I Got This

I'm a little bit irritated. With myself. This is why: I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for. Here I am supposed to be my biggest cheerleader and it turns out I've been the biggest doubter on my team. Why would I do this?! I feel like I've wasted a lot of time and potential greatness because I have assumed I couldn't handle certain obstacles. Well I'm the fool! Because apparently I can be a single mother, run a business, maintain friendships, address my personal battles, work out, and keep my home from sinking all at once. Who knew?! I certainly didn't! Okay, fine I'm not perfect at it. There are moments where I get completely overwhelmed and call in outside forces to clean my house. It's possible that I have Merry Maids on speed dial but that is none of your never-mind. Maybe my kids' homework gets forgotten a night here or there. Or the whole last half of the school year if you want to be obnoxious and get technical about it. Perhaps my backlog of unedited footage is larger than it's ever been and when I list it all out and see how much work I have ahead of me, I hide under my covers with a bag of mini Twix for hours at a time - again none of your business. Sometimes "working out" consists of walking from my bed to the bathroom to pee and back. Stop judging me. And then there are moments when I contemplate the trials in my life that are causing me mass amounts of stress and sadness and I want to reside in a hot bath for the rest of forever and then actually attempt this scheme until my skin starts to fall off and my children grow restless with hunger at the bathroom door. However! At the end of the day I have always made progress. At the end of the day my children are fed and bathed and loved and snuggled. At the end of the day I am always exhausted from trying my best. Even when my best involves two hour baths and a bag of mini Twix. I have to cut myself some slack when I look at the giant bite I have to chew. I'm so proud and impressed with myself because damnit, I'm surviving! Even thriving I might say. I'm tackling the world all by my lonesome in ways I never thought possible. Life isn't turning out the way I had planned, but it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, I have a life that's good.

Friday, April 18, 2014

On My sadness

Hello Blog. It's been such a while since I've paid you any attention. My life kind of went to shit and while trying to tread water I had to let something drop. It was you. My apologies. Well my life is still shit but a friend told me to write through my pain. That writing can be healing. And that is most definitely what I need. I won't go into details today about what is happening in my life. There is far too much to address. Perhaps I will confront the whole picture a piece at a time. Or maybe I will whine vaguely forever. Today I will salute my sadness. I am sad. I am accepting that I am sad. It's more than sad though. I am in deep mourning. I live on the constant verge of tears. And I cry often. I tried to fight it at first for the sake of "being strong". That was foolish. Who the hell am I being strong for? I realized that was silly and now I let myself cry when I feel it coming. I lock the doors, sidle up with a roll of toilet paper and I let it go. Who am I to argue with Elsa? The woman is wise. Let it go. Open the flood gates. Feel. I'm letting myself feel this gaping wound I'm nursing. I'm not attempting to numb it or mask it or stifle it. Run your damn course, sadness. Do what you gotta do. Just please don't make yourself too comfortable. I don't want you to think that you have a permanent place in my heart. I'm way too yellow for this drivel to last forever. Feelings I'm experiencing: - A weight. Like a giant foot wearing a hefty work boot standing on my chest. All the time. - Extreme fatigue. My eyelids weigh one thousand pounds a piece. It requires intense effort to make peanut butter sandwiches and load the dishwasher. (Side note: Did I mention I'm potty training my youngest right now? What the *#!! am I thinking?) - Sensitive. Oh my goodness this might be the worst part. I have never been so easily tipped and weepy in my life. It's mortifying. Literally anything can crush my feelings right now. Fragile as a leaf I tell you. - Distracted and foggy. I can't keep a constructive thought on my mind or finish a task to save my very life. My focus keeps getting yanked to my sadness and I can't remember what I was saying or thinking or trying to accomplish. It's infuriating. - Listless. My spirit has a damper on it right now. Which is driving me bat shit crazy because my spirit and spunk are a huge part of what defines me. I'm indifferent. My spice is lacking. It's bugging. Things to be Grateful for Despite this Shit-storm: - My dishwasher that it takes all my power to load. - The free weight loss that accompanies said sadness. (14 pounds in 3 weeks? I'm not going to say no to THAT). - Gel nail polish that makes me feel fabulous even after I've cried for an hour. - My friends. I could never even pretend to face this life without them. The distraction and council they provide is worth its weight in gold. Time with them is when I breath the deepest. - My four creatures. Their laughter and cuddles provide temporary solace for me. I need them much more than they need me right now, I'm afraid. I'm trying to accept the disarray that this sadness is causing in my life and remind myself that it is only momentary in the overall portrait of my life. I will survive it. And I will be infinitely stronger when I do. I can already see it happening, even in my sickly emotional state. My spirit is building muscles it never knew it had.