Friday, April 18, 2014

On My sadness

Hello Blog. It's been such a while since I've paid you any attention. My life kind of went to shit and while trying to tread water I had to let something drop. It was you. My apologies. Well my life is still shit but a friend told me to write through my pain. That writing can be healing. And that is most definitely what I need. I won't go into details today about what is happening in my life. There is far too much to address. Perhaps I will confront the whole picture a piece at a time. Or maybe I will whine vaguely forever. Today I will salute my sadness. I am sad. I am accepting that I am sad. It's more than sad though. I am in deep mourning. I live on the constant verge of tears. And I cry often. I tried to fight it at first for the sake of "being strong". That was foolish. Who the hell am I being strong for? I realized that was silly and now I let myself cry when I feel it coming. I lock the doors, sidle up with a roll of toilet paper and I let it go. Who am I to argue with Elsa? The woman is wise. Let it go. Open the flood gates. Feel. I'm letting myself feel this gaping wound I'm nursing. I'm not attempting to numb it or mask it or stifle it. Run your damn course, sadness. Do what you gotta do. Just please don't make yourself too comfortable. I don't want you to think that you have a permanent place in my heart. I'm way too yellow for this drivel to last forever. Feelings I'm experiencing: - A weight. Like a giant foot wearing a hefty work boot standing on my chest. All the time. - Extreme fatigue. My eyelids weigh one thousand pounds a piece. It requires intense effort to make peanut butter sandwiches and load the dishwasher. (Side note: Did I mention I'm potty training my youngest right now? What the *#!! am I thinking?) - Sensitive. Oh my goodness this might be the worst part. I have never been so easily tipped and weepy in my life. It's mortifying. Literally anything can crush my feelings right now. Fragile as a leaf I tell you. - Distracted and foggy. I can't keep a constructive thought on my mind or finish a task to save my very life. My focus keeps getting yanked to my sadness and I can't remember what I was saying or thinking or trying to accomplish. It's infuriating. - Listless. My spirit has a damper on it right now. Which is driving me bat shit crazy because my spirit and spunk are a huge part of what defines me. I'm indifferent. My spice is lacking. It's bugging. Things to be Grateful for Despite this Shit-storm: - My dishwasher that it takes all my power to load. - The free weight loss that accompanies said sadness. (14 pounds in 3 weeks? I'm not going to say no to THAT). - Gel nail polish that makes me feel fabulous even after I've cried for an hour. - My friends. I could never even pretend to face this life without them. The distraction and council they provide is worth its weight in gold. Time with them is when I breath the deepest. - My four creatures. Their laughter and cuddles provide temporary solace for me. I need them much more than they need me right now, I'm afraid. I'm trying to accept the disarray that this sadness is causing in my life and remind myself that it is only momentary in the overall portrait of my life. I will survive it. And I will be infinitely stronger when I do. I can already see it happening, even in my sickly emotional state. My spirit is building muscles it never knew it had.

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