It's inevitable. It will happen one day and then you will know. You will find yourself with three small creatures that you created by your own free will and choice. These creatures will start out tiny and helpless and cute. This is their way of tricking you. You will feed them. They will get bigger. And then the creatures will begin to argue with you. They will talk back. They will demand things. They will draw with sharpie on your favorite living room chair. You will make threats. They will throw their heads back in laughter at your threats. You will do something you promised the universe you would never do. You will say things your mother used to say. These phrases might include: "You are suffering the consequences of your own actions" and "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!" They will jump on you and pull your hair in response. They will tell people at church that you didn't answer the door when the doorbell rang yesterday because you were naked. They will scream at the grocery store at the top of their lungs "Help! This is not my mommy!" There will be many more antics, but I will not go into that now because I wouldn't want to depress or frighten you.
One day you will walk through your once quiet and calm home. There will be globs of toothpaste on the bathroom counter. There will be red crayon on the walls of your hallway. There will be clothes that were freshly folded only two hours before scattered all over the laundry room floor and the basket they were in will have turned into a "boat" somewhere else in the house. There will be dried juice on the kitchen floor that makes your shoes stick. There will be tiny hair bows of every shape and size tucked in the sofa crevices. There will be a Dora doll wearing your husbands garment top and your $80 glasses sitting on the sharpie chair mocking you with her permanent smile. And then you will make your way to the creatures' head quarters where you may or may not still be able to see a bed. You will wander into the creature's lair, but this is a mistake because you will step on a tiny black Lego that with jab so far into the bottom of your foot that it pierces your sole. You will want to scream naughty words at the top of your lungs but you will stifle your scream because of all the "little ears" that are surely lurking nearby. Instead you will bite your fist and squeak out a small cry. It is a cry for help but no one will hear you. At this point you will turn around and see your husband standing in the doorway. He will have a look of despair and confusion on his face that mirrors yours. You will stand side by side taking it in in total silence (aside from the screaming and complete chaos taking place in the living room as the creatures dance to the music of "The Wiggles" who you vow to strangle should you ever meet in person). You will look into each others eyes and there will be no need for words. Your minds will communicate with one other. First his brain will say, "What have we done?" and then yours will say, "I don't know, but it's too late now." and then his brain will say, "It's never too late! I've heard of gypsies who come through town and buy children. It's worth looking into." Suddenly a wave of motivation mixed with the devil's rage will surge through both your veins and you will summon the creatures in your most intimidating voice. You will stand in the doorway with your hands on your hips and shout out commands pointing wildly at the mess. The creatures will put up a fight. There will be stomping of feet and gnashing of teeth. The air will be thick with defiance, but this is a fight you MUST win. They will sulk in the tub after losing "The Cleaning of the Room Battle of '09". They will pout begrudgingly as you scrub them clean of all the filth. You will silently attempt to scrub off some of the naughtiness in the process. This attempt will be in vain. You will help the creatures say their prayers by having them say things like, "Please help us to be gentle and loving and to obey mommy and daddy." This attempt will also be in vain. The creatures will eventually fall asleep but not before goofing around for half an hour, falling off the bed, and demanding a Hello Kitty band aid be applied to a patch of perfectly healthy skin. You and your husband will collapse on the sofa. You will lay there limp and expressionless for an hour. And then the unexplainable will happen. It always does. You will actually begin to MISS the creatures! Why would you do it? So you will stealthfully sneak into each one of their freshly tidied bedrooms and hover over their beds. You will watch the newly bathed peaceful creatures as they sleep. You will say words like "angels" and "sweet". You will ooh and aah and pat one another on the back at your perfect little masterpieces. Then the little fat one will stir, threatening to awaken and you will tear out of there so fast your head will spin. Your heart will be pounding with fear and terror. This serves you right.
I wish you all the best of luck with this very special and obnoxious rite of passage. Later you can ask me who stole my brain straight out of my head when the decision is inevitably made to expand the creatures' numbers to four.
